oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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