so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
