ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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