i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
