Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
