I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
