Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize