my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
