Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
two words: eviction party
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
