Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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