im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
