dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
