Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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