its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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