I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
