This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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