You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
