All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
