i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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