I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The Olympian is in my bed
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
