splinters make it hard to masturbate
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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