More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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