So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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