his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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