she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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