If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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