On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
