so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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