I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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