If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
