What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So many bounce houses so little time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
