He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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