I think im going to throw up on grandma
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
