Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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