Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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