And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize