Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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