he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
