my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
