ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
