You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
