you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
