I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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