alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize