I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
