Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
