just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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