I'm eating all of the evidence.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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