Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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