Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
