I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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