I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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