I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
