I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
