Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
