I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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