My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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