Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
