The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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