An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
